Harnessing DBT Skills to Handle Narcissistic Individuals
Dealing with narcissistic individuals can be one of the most challenging interpersonal dynamics. However, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills can provide valuable tools to navigate these difficult relationships. Among the most crucial of these skills is Radical Acceptance.
Radical Acceptance: Embrace Reality on Reality’s Terms
Radical acceptance means accepting reality on reality’s terms. In the context of narcissistic relationships, this involves acknowledging that the narcissist's behavior is complex and unlikely to change—no matter how much we might wish otherwise. While this realization can be heartbreaking, it relieves you of the impossible burden of trying to change someone who is fundamentally resistant to change.
Accepting the unchangeable nature of narcissism frees you from the constant struggle of convincing the narcissist that they are wrong or that you are worthy of respect. Instead, focus on treating yourself with the respect you deserve, which often involves setting firm boundaries. Remember, boundaries are about how you respond to behavior, not about controlling someone else’s actions.
For instance, if you say, “I don’t discuss my personal life at work,” you set a clear boundary. This doesn’t mean your inappropriate boss won’t ask about your personal life; it means you won’t engage in that conversation despite his inquiries.
Before your next interaction with a narcissist, ask yourself, “What must I accept will not change in this situation, and what am I responsible for changing?” Understanding this distinction is key to protecting your mental health.
Maintain Your Wellbeing with DBT PLEASE Skills
Managing your well-being is essential when dealing with narcissists. The DBT PLEASE skills help maintain your physical and emotional balance. One simple yet powerful tip is to bring snacks when spending time with a narcissist.
Narcissists may not recognize or care about your basic needs, like hunger or thirst. Being well-fed and hydrated keeps you composed and less susceptible to manipulation. Packing snacks and water for meetings or visits with narcissists ensures you stay energized and focused. It’s not just practical—it’s strategic. It prevents them from using your discomfort as leverage.
For longer interactions or overnight stays, consider packing a cooler. Staying nourished is key to maintaining your mental clarity and emotional strength. Plus, it gives you the option to skip a group dinner if you've had enough social interaction for the day. Remember that you never need to apologize for or explain bringing your own food to an event or visit. Those who get offended are not reasonable or empathetic people.
Stay Mindful to Manage Emotional Provocations
Mindfulness is another crucial DBT skill that can help you stay present and aware during interactions with narcissists. Mindfulness helps you resist the narcissist’s baiting and manipulative tactics. Staying mindful means maintaining awareness of the present moment and focusing on reality, not the emotional chaos that is swirling inside of you.
Entering conversations with clear objectives and sticking to your goals prevents diversions and narcissistic derailments. (That’s when the narcissist makes the conversation about what a jerk you are for that thing you did 5 years ago instead of the thing they.literally.just.did.) Mindfulness helps you detect when a narcissist uses flattery or criticism to manipulate you. Stay centered and pause before reacting. If you notice anger or other unpleasant emotions rising up inside you, take a break. This can be as simple as heading to the bathroom, getting a glass of water, or responding to a text. The time away will help you refocus on your goals for the interaction.
Consistent practice of mindfulness outside of stressful interactions builds your skills, making it easier to apply under pressure. After a conversation, reflect on what went well and how you can improve at maintaining your boundaries next time. Look for patterns, as this allows you to be a step ahead in the next interaction.
Engage in Pleasant Events to Boost Positive Emotions
Dealing with narcissistic individuals can drain your energy and joy. Actively seeking out pleasant events can boost your positive emotions. The DBT Pleasant Events List encourages you to engage in activities that uplift your mood and create balance in your life amidst painful and challenging times.
Spend time in outside. Walk in the park, garden, or simply sit under a tree. Reconnecting with nature can cure what ails you.
Indulge in creative activities like painting, writing, or playing music. Creative expression helps process emotions and regain peace.
Exercise regularly. Physical activities like yoga, dancing, or sports can elevate your endorphins and improve your overall mood.
Meet friends or loved ones who understand and support you. Positive social interactions remind you of the good in your world.
End your day with reflection. Write down three things you enjoyed or felt grateful for to focus on the positive aspects of your life. This isn’t toxic positivity—it’s about acknowledging that good things can exist amidst challenging times.
Approach with an Easy-Going Manner
Handling interactions with narcissists in high-conflict situations can test anyone’s patience. DBT’s Easy-Going Manner skill can help you stay composed. Narcissists feed on the energy from conflict. Keeping your cool prevents their manipulative and gaslighting tactics from taking root.
An easy-going manner involves approaching interactions with calmness and a light touch, which helps defuse potential conflicts. Being easy-going doesn’t mean being a pushover. It’s about maintaining a calm demeanor while firmly standing your ground.
Set boundaries in a friendly, light-hearted way. This approach makes it harder for a narcissist to react negatively or escalate the situation. For instance, a cheerful, “I’d love to say yes, but it’s a no from me this time!” keeps things light yet clear.
Infuse appropriate humor into your responses. A well-timed joke can lighten the mood and often disarm a narcissist’s aggressive tactics. Rehearse calm responses and humorous comebacks in advance. Being prepared helps you remain cool and collected in real-time interactions.
Conclusion
Navigating relationships with narcissistic individuals is undeniably challenging. However, employing DBT skills like radical acceptance, maintaining your wellbeing, staying mindful, engaging in pleasant events, and approaching with an easy-going manner can significantly enhance your ability to handle these interactions effectively. By focusing on self-care and strategic responses, you can protect your mental health and maintain your peace amidst the chaos.