Harnessing DBT Skills to Handle Narcissistic Individuals
Dealing with narcissistic individuals can be one of the most challenging interpersonal dynamics. However, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills can provide valuable tools to navigate these difficult relationships. Among the most crucial of these skills is Radical Acceptance.
Radical Acceptance: Embrace Reality on Reality’s Terms
Radical acceptance means accepting reality on reality’s terms. In the context of narcissistic relationships, this involves acknowledging that the narcissist's behavior is complex and unlikely to change—no matter how much we might wish otherwise. While this realization can be heartbreaking, it relieves you of the impossible burden of trying to change someone who is fundamentally resistant to change.
Accepting the unchangeable nature of narcissism frees you from the constant struggle of convincing the narcissist that they are wrong or that you are worthy of respect. Instead, focus on treating yourself with the respect you deserve, which often involves setting firm boundaries. Remember, boundaries are about how you respond to behavior, not about controlling someone else’s actions.
For instance, if you say, “I don’t discuss my personal life at work,” you set a clear boundary. This doesn’t mean your inappropriate boss won’t ask about your personal life; it means you won’t engage in that conversation despite his inquiries.
Before your next interaction with a narcissist, ask yourself, “What must I accept will not change in this situation, and what am I responsible for changing?” Understanding this distinction is key to protecting your mental health.
Maintain Your Wellbeing with DBT PLEASE Skills
Managing your well-being is essential when dealing with narcissists. The DBT PLEASE skills help maintain your physical and emotional balance. One simple yet powerful tip is to bring snacks when spending time with a narcissist.
Narcissists may not recognize or care about your basic needs, like hunger or thirst. Being well-fed and hydrated keeps you composed and less susceptible to manipulation. Packing snacks and water for meetings or visits with narcissists ensures you stay energized and focused. It’s not just practical—it’s strategic. It prevents them from using your discomfort as leverage.
For longer interactions or overnight stays, consider packing a cooler. Staying nourished is key to maintaining your mental clarity and emotional strength. Plus, it gives you the option to skip a group dinner if you've had enough social interaction for the day. Remember that you never need to apologize for or explain bringing your own food to an event or visit. Those who get offended are not reasonable or empathetic people.
Stay Mindful to Manage Emotional Provocations
Mindfulness is another crucial DBT skill that can help you stay present and aware during interactions with narcissists. Mindfulness helps you resist the narcissist’s baiting and manipulative tactics. Staying mindful means maintaining awareness of the present moment and focusing on reality, not the emotional chaos that is swirling inside of you.
Entering conversations with clear objectives and sticking to your goals prevents diversions and narcissistic derailments. (That’s when the narcissist makes the conversation about what a jerk you are for that thing you did 5 years ago instead of the thing they.literally.just.did.) Mindfulness helps you detect when a narcissist uses flattery or criticism to manipulate you. Stay centered and pause before reacting. If you notice anger or other unpleasant emotions rising up inside you, take a break. This can be as simple as heading to the bathroom, getting a glass of water, or responding to a text. The time away will help you refocus on your goals for the interaction.
Consistent practice of mindfulness outside of stressful interactions builds your skills, making it easier to apply under pressure. After a conversation, reflect on what went well and how you can improve at maintaining your boundaries next time. Look for patterns, as this allows you to be a step ahead in the next interaction.
Engage in Pleasant Events to Boost Positive Emotions
Dealing with narcissistic individuals can drain your energy and joy. Actively seeking out pleasant events can boost your positive emotions. The DBT Pleasant Events List encourages you to engage in activities that uplift your mood and create balance in your life amidst painful and challenging times.
Spend time in outside. Walk in the park, garden, or simply sit under a tree. Reconnecting with nature can cure what ails you.
Indulge in creative activities like painting, writing, or playing music. Creative expression helps process emotions and regain peace.
Exercise regularly. Physical activities like yoga, dancing, or sports can elevate your endorphins and improve your overall mood.
Meet friends or loved ones who understand and support you. Positive social interactions remind you of the good in your world.
End your day with reflection. Write down three things you enjoyed or felt grateful for to focus on the positive aspects of your life. This isn’t toxic positivity—it’s about acknowledging that good things can exist amidst challenging times.
Approach with an Easy-Going Manner
Handling interactions with narcissists in high-conflict situations can test anyone’s patience. DBT’s Easy-Going Manner skill can help you stay composed. Narcissists feed on the energy from conflict. Keeping your cool prevents their manipulative and gaslighting tactics from taking root.
An easy-going manner involves approaching interactions with calmness and a light touch, which helps defuse potential conflicts. Being easy-going doesn’t mean being a pushover. It’s about maintaining a calm demeanor while firmly standing your ground.
Set boundaries in a friendly, light-hearted way. This approach makes it harder for a narcissist to react negatively or escalate the situation. For instance, a cheerful, “I’d love to say yes, but it’s a no from me this time!” keeps things light yet clear.
Infuse appropriate humor into your responses. A well-timed joke can lighten the mood and often disarm a narcissist’s aggressive tactics. Rehearse calm responses and humorous comebacks in advance. Being prepared helps you remain cool and collected in real-time interactions.
Conclusion
Navigating relationships with narcissistic individuals is undeniably challenging. However, employing DBT skills like radical acceptance, maintaining your wellbeing, staying mindful, engaging in pleasant events, and approaching with an easy-going manner can significantly enhance your ability to handle these interactions effectively. By focusing on self-care and strategic responses, you can protect your mental health and maintain your peace amidst the chaos.
PLEASE Skills
Navigating Trauma and Emotions with Physical Self-Care: The Power of PLEASE Skills
Emotions can be wild and unpredictable, making us cry during dog food commercials or curse when handed the wrong coffee. Managing these emotions starts with taking care of our physical health. However, trauma can significantly impact our ability to maintain good physical self-care for various reasons.
Some of us grew up experiencing neglect, leaving us without the framework to maintain self-care. Others were taught that we didn't deserve to care for ourselves, viewing good sleep or proper meals as selfish. Severe physical trauma may have led us to disconnect from our bodies, making it difficult to recognize hunger cues or feel safe enough to sleep. All these factors can complicate physical self-care.
Enter the PLEASE skills, developed by psychologist Dr. Marsha Linehan. This acronym helps us remember the essentials for maintaining emotional stability:
Treat Physical iLlness (PL)
When your body feels like a broken-down Tesla, it’s hard to keep your emotions in check. If you're sick or feeling achy, see a doctor and follow medical advice. Ignoring your health is like ignoring a car's check engine light; eventually, you'll break down, and it might be at the worst possible moment.
Balanced Eating (E)
Nutrition plays a crucial role in our physical and emotional well-being. Eating a balanced diet isn’t about nibbling on gluten-free celery sticks and air; it’s about regular meals to maintain stable blood sugar levels, preventing mood swings and irritability. Eat a variety of foods that provide essential nutrients and avoid skipping meals. Notice how different foods affect your mood and energy levels. (It might not be a coincidence that you feel sluggish after double-fisting cake and pizza at a coworker's party.)
Avoid Mood-Altering Substances (A)
Sometimes a glass of wine or an extra cup of coffee feels like the solution to all of life’s problems. But remember, you're not funnier when drunk—just louder. Substances provide temporary relief but often lead to greater emotional instability in the long run. Minimizing or avoiding mood-altering substances helps maintain emotional balance and improves mental health.
Balance Sleep (S)
Sleep is fundamental to emotional regulation. Poor sleep increases stress, irritability, and emotional vulnerability. Staying up too late binge-watching your favorite show can turn you into a grumpy troll the next day. Aim for a consistent sleep schedule with sufficient rest each night. Develop a relaxing bedtime routine, create a comfortable sleep environment, and avoid activities that interfere with sleep, like using electronic devices before bed. Quality sleep is essential for a stable emotional state.
Get Physical Exercise (E)
Exercise releases endorphins (natural mood lifters) and reduces stress, anxiety, and depression. Aim for at least 30 minutes of moderate exercise most days. Choose activities you enjoy, whether it's walking, dancing, yoga, or team sports. Physical exercise benefits your body and greatly enhances your emotional well-being.
To Recap:
By incorporating PLEASE skills into your daily routine, you create a solid foundation for emotional regulation. Taking care of your physical health is the first step in managing your emotions effectively. Small changes can lead to significant improvements in how you feel and handle life’s challenges. Stay cool, stay calm, and take care of yourself!
Professional Help:
The material in this post is for informational and entertainment purposes only and is not a replacement for medical or mental health treatment. For optimal physical health, establish a relationship with a primary care physician (PCP) and attend regular check-ups.
Head or Heart? Finding Balance After Trauma
As trauma survivors, our emotions often feel chaotic and overwhelming. Anger, fear, sadness, and even happiness can leave us feeling as though we've been turned upside down. In response, we frequently feel the need to choose between reason and emotion—head or heart.
Choosing Reason: Control and Order
Those who choose reason may adopt a strategy of control through order, busyness, and avoidance. By keeping ourselves constantly occupied or adhering strictly to routines, we attempt to ward off emotions that threaten to swallow us whole. Over time, ignoring emotions—whether they be our own or those of others—leads to a sense of numbness or disconnection from ourselves and those around us. This leaves us feeling isolated and unfulfilled despite our outward appearance of stability or success. Worse yet, we often live in a constant state of anxiety, fearing that one day our control will slip and everything will fall apart.
Choosing Emotion: The Volatile Ride
On the other hand, some trauma survivors feel powerless in the face of their emotions. They may find themselves caught in cycles of intense highs and lows, where emotional responses seem to dictate their thoughts and actions. This volatility makes it difficult to maintain relationships, habits, and goals, as their emotions send them in different directions each day.
Finding the Middle Ground: Healing and Balance
Neither extreme—whether it's strict control through order and avoidance, or the tumultuous ride of emotional highs and lows—truly satisfies our deeper needs as human beings. Healing involves finding a middle ground where we can acknowledge, accept, and consider our emotions (and those of the ones we love) without being overwhelmed or controlled by them.
Embracing Both Head and Heart
To find this balance, we need to develop emotional resilience. This means learning to face our emotions with curiosity and compassion rather than fear and avoidance. Mindfulness practices, therapy, and support groups can be incredibly beneficial in this process. They help us create a space where we can observe our emotions without being swept away by them, allowing us to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
Building Emotional Awareness
Emotional awareness is the first step toward balance. By naming and understanding our emotions, we can begin to see patterns in how they influence our thoughts and behaviors. Journaling, meditation, and talking with trusted friends or therapists can help us gain insight into our emotional landscape.
Setting Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is also crucial. This includes not only physical and time boundaries but also emotional boundaries. Learning to say no, to prioritize self-care, and to protect our emotional well-being allows us to engage with our emotions without being consumed by them.
Validation
Recognizing and validating our emotions is essential. By acknowledging that our feelings are real and important, we give ourselves permission to experience and process them. This validation helps reduce the internal conflict between head and heart, fostering a sense of inner harmony.
Creating a Supportive Environment
Surrounding ourselves with supportive people who understand our journey is vital. Whether it's friends, family, or a support group, having a network that offers empathy and encouragement can make a significant difference in our healing process.
Conclusion: A Journey of Healing
Finding balance between head and heart is an ongoing journey. It requires patience, practice, and self-compassion. By embracing both our rational mind and our emotional self, we can navigate life’s challenges with greater ease and fulfillment. As trauma survivors, we deserve to live lives that are not just about survival but about thriving, where we can experience the full spectrum of our emotions without fear.
Remember, healing is not about choosing head over heart or vice versa; it's about integrating both to create a harmonious and fulfilling life.